I Trust My Soul, My Only Goal Is Just To Be [ME]

I originally posted this on my Facebook yesterday, March 24th, 2015.

Doing a little bit of soul searching today. I know you may have noticed my lack of a presence on social media over the past months. There is a reason for that, and I apologize to the people who were looking to me for health and fitness inspiration and I wasn’t there for you. [[Warning: Long Post Ahead]]

After the past year of struggles with my weight, my business, my drive and motivation, at times extreme stress, and not knowing what my goals meant to me anymore, I’ve put on close to 50 pounds since last March, my weight is at an all-time high and my health is at an all-time low. I can’t tell you how many times over this past year I’ve started up again to get back on track only to quit soon after I started. I was never sure why I was giving up, and to be honest I’m still working on that. But I began to withdraw from social media, from my team, from everyone except my family and close friends because I didn’t want to look like a hypocrite for not practicing what I preach. I felt like I didn’t know how to help anyone anymore and felt helpless.

I could go into detail about the experiences I’ve had that have led me to where I am right now, but we would be here forever. Instead I will just tell you, that from now on instead of making goals for myself that I think I “should” have, I am going to focus on what makes ME happy and be passionate about the things that inspire ME instead of going through the motions and doing things the way I always thought they “should” be. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? But, things aren’t always clear in the moment. For example, before my pregnancy, I reached my lowest weight of 134 and was freaking ecstatic. I had been trying to reach that lowest weight ever since Heath was born and I could never reach it, and I eventually just gave up altogether. Well to be honest, my new goal is nowhere near as low as that, because I realized that at the time I reached that weight I was just trying to see how low I could get instead of just simply trying to feel good and healthy. Looking back on this past year, I think maybe gaining 50 pounds and a pot-belly (this is not an exaggeration) is one of God’s ways of telling me I have to slow down, refocus, and do what’s good for ME instead of trying to be awesome at everything to prove to others that things are possible. I can still do that by being myself. I have to learn how to say no and turn down opportunities if they don’t align with my goals.

Now in my future, instead of my old goal as a 5-Star Diamond Coach and a 6-figure earner, I see myself as a wife and mother with a beautiful house in the country, surrounded by flowerbeds of lupines and hydrangeas, lilac bushes, apple trees, and a large garden of fresh organic produce. Eventually, I want to expand my personal family garden and open a fresh produce greenhouse in our area where people can shop locally for FRESH, straight from the earth, nutritious whole foods that you don’t get from an average grocery store. Combine that with my love for teaching, I want to educate families on how to cook a little cleaner so they can live a little longer. THAT is what is in my heart, that’s ME. And it is going to take some time to make it all happen, but I know I will get there because its something I feel deeply within my heart.

Whatever it is that you do, do it in a way that makes YOU happy. To my fellow coaches, you can be an inspiration to others in so many ways. Don’t limit yourself. Think outside of the box and bring what you have to offer to the table to create a life that is unique to you and that will make you happy to wake up and go to work each day. Being a coach doesn’t have to be black or white. It doesn’t have to only be about running Challenge Groups or drinking Shakeology or doing the latest workout program. It can be anything you want it to be.

Trust what’s in your soul. Be you ❤